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Blog · 2026-10-28

When Anger Steals the Fun (and How to Get It Back)

Travis Hill, LPC-MHSP · Navigate Life Counseling · Franklin, TN

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You've probably been there. The family is finally together. The game is out, or the food is on the table. Then one thing goes wrong. Someone forgot the charger. Someone rolls their eyes. Someone wins a little too loudly. And just like that, the whole afternoon is about what went wrong.

I read a Psychology Today piece this week by Travis Tae Oh, Ph.D., a researcher who studies the psychology of fun. He describes a small ritual he does with his two kids. He says it slowly, one word at a time, and they repeat it back: "I. Refuse. To. Be. Angry."

I love that. And as someone who has spent a lot of years helping people with anger, I want to add a therapist's take. Because the goal isn't to never feel angry. The goal is to stay in charge of what happens next.

Anger Isn't the Enemy

Let me say this first. Anger is a normal human feeling. It isn't bad, and it isn't something to be ashamed of. Dr. Oh makes this point too. He wants his kids to be able to tell him when they're angry, even when they're angry with him.

Anger can even help. In one lab study, Maya Tamir and her colleagues found that people actually chose to get angrier before a task that called for confrontation. And anger did improve how they did on that task. It didn't help on a task that didn't call for confrontation.

That's the key. Anger is good at one job: pushing back. But most of life isn't a fight. A board game with your kids isn't a fight. Dinner with your partner isn't a fight. When anger shows up for a job that doesn't need doing, it costs us the very thing we came for. (If you want more on when anger helps and when it hurts, see my earlier post, When Anger Protects You and When It Backfires.)

Why Anger Shows Up: The Story We Tell

Here's something I teach almost every week. Our feelings don't come only from what happens. They also come from how we read what happens.

Back in 1985, researchers Craig Smith and Phoebe Ellsworth asked people to remember times they felt different emotions. Then they rated those moments in different ways. Anger tended to go with feeling fairly sure about what happened and seeing someone else as the cause. Often the story was, "Someone did something unfair to me." Fear looked different. It went with a lot of uncertainty and a sense that things were out of anyone's control.

Now think about your child who won't put the phone down. If the story in your head is, "She's disrespecting me on purpose," anger makes sense. But what if the story is, "She's tired," or "She's disappointed," or "She's having a hard time with this limit"? Same event. Different story. Different feeling.

You can still hold the line. You can still say, "Phone goes in the basket." You just don't have to say it through clenched teeth.

Looking Calm Isn't the Same as Feeling Calm

A lot of people think managing anger means stuffing it down. Smile. Hide it. Push through.

The research says that's not the same thing. In a classic study, James Gross showed people a gross-out film. One group was told to think about the film in a way that would leave them feeling nothing, like watching it with calm, detached eyes. Another group was told to just hide their feelings so no one could tell. Both groups showed less on their faces. But only the "think about it differently" group actually felt less disgust. The hiding group didn't feel better, and their bodies showed more signs of stress.

That study was about disgust, not anger. So I don't want to stretch it too far. But it lines up with what I see in my office. When people only hide their anger, it tends to leak out later. When they change how they see the moment, the anger often loses some of its heat.

The Replay Button

Here's another reason anger can wreck a whole day. We keep hitting replay.

Philippe Verduyn and his team asked people to track their feelings day by day, including anger. Feelings lasted longer when the event that started them came back up, either in real life or just in the person's mind. Feelings also lasted longer when the situation mattered more and when the feeling started out stronger.

So if you keep running the scene in your head, "I can't believe he said that," you're keeping the anger alive. It's like poking a campfire that was about to go out.

Fun Needs a Little Freedom

This is the part of Dr. Oh's work I found most helpful. In his research with Michel Tuan Pham, he describes fun as "liberating engagement." In plain words, fun happens when you're really into something you enjoy and you feel free, at least for a while, from the usual pressures in your head.

Anger is the opposite of free. When I'm stuck on how things should have gone, how someone should have acted, or who owes me an apology, there's no room left to play. Dr. Oh asks himself a good question: How much of my frustration comes from expecting to control the experience?

That's a question I'd love every one of my clients to ask.

Five Tools to Get the Fun Back

Here's how I'd turn all this into practice. These come from mindfulness-based CBT, the approach I use in my work.

1. Build the pause. Dr. Oh's ritual works because it slows things down. You can make your own version. Try: "I notice I'm angry. I get to choose what I do next." Say it slowly. Take one long breath out. The pause is where your choices live.

2. Check the story. Ask yourself, "What am I telling myself about why this happened?" Then ask, "What else could be true?" Tired, hungry, disappointed, distracted, and overwhelmed are all common answers. You don't have to pick the nicest story. Just don't lock in the first one.

3. Don't just stuff it. Hiding anger isn't the same as handling it. Name it to yourself, or out loud: "I'm frustrated right now." Then use tool number two. Naming plus rethinking beats smiling through it.

4. Stop the replay. When you catch yourself running the scene again, label it: "Replay." Then bring your attention back to what's in front of you. The cards in your hand. The taste of your food. The sound of your kid's laugh. You may have to do this ten times. That's normal. Each time counts.

5. Loosen your grip on "how it should go." You can set limits and still let the afternoon have a life of its own. Before a family event, try deciding on one or two things that really matter. Let the rest be flexible. The less the moment has to live up to, the more room there is to enjoy it.

A Final Thought

I think Dr. Oh's ritual is a gift to his kids. And I'd tweak it just a little for the people I work with. It's not "I refuse to feel angry." It's "I refuse to let anger steer." You can feel the wind and still choose your course.

If anger keeps taking the fun out of your days, at home, at work, or in your relationships, you don't have to figure it out alone. Working with a therapist can help you spot your patterns, rethink the stories that fuel your anger, and practice new ways to respond.

Schedule an Appointment with Navigate Life Counseling in Franklin, TN, and let's work on it together.

This post is for educational purposes only and is not therapy or a substitute for professional care. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

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Related at Navigate Life Counseling: anger management counseling in Franklin, TN.